So today, after much thought, I have decided that my next project is one of massive importance which will contribute meaningfully to the general knowlege of humanity. Namely, I have decided to compile a list of things people say which, I think, make me pretty sure we will NEVER be friends, and I will at some point talk shit about them. Although this list is subjective, I feel like the reasons why these sentences make people AWFUL to me are reasons why these people might be AWFUL objectively.
1. “I’m just a wild and crazy guy”/ “I’m just a wild and crazy girl.” Self-explanatory.
2. Closely related to number one: “Oh…sorry…don’t mind me, I’m just SO RANDOM sometimes.” Usually the “apology” comes after a not-funny statement to which no one laughed. There’s lots of reasons to hate this, but I think there’s a specifically objectionable way that it’s deployed which I hate: where it’s used as a way to imply that the reason the listeners did not respond positively is that they just Don’t Get It.
3. “I’m SOOOOO bored right now….yeah that’s about all I have to say right now.” Usually this is an update, either status or blog. I hate it. Don’t fucking type, then. My mother says lots of things which don’t make any damn sense (“Caffeine makes people short.”"Accutane destroys the moisture root in the skin.”"Sex is for marriage”) but the single moment of truth in her entire existence came when she came up with this bon mot: “Only boring people get bored.”
4. “What a riot!” and iterations thereof. I almost put “what a hoot!” as a related category; but the people who say this are generally older and funnier, and there was this great episode of Boston Legal in which this ancient judge kept saying “Stop your HOOTing” every time James Spader made a joke.
UPDATE: After much thought and deep consideration, I have decided to add “I don’t bite” to the list. I am not really sure why I find this phrase so obnoxious. I also have known relatively legit people who said it. But, you know, this is a subjective list of shallow prejudice, and my hackles sure do rise when I hear someone say this. Obviously, if it’s like “I don’t bite…unless it’s called for” then no one would dispute that this statement is full of fail. And yet, there are things in this life that simply aren’t grey areas, and I think I’m going to go ahead and declare that ”I don’t bite” is worthy of being on the dead-to-me list.
This is a rolling list. I seek contributions. I think the funniest comment that could be made would be if someone said “The most obnoxious thing anyone could say would be:” and then posted this entry.
You know what’s really annoying? When people tell you what the “funniest” thing would be. How the fuck do you know?
Fair call. I did imply a subjective, but, fair call nonetheless.
“Too much fun.”
“Asking someone to take care of my cat is just too much to ask.”
What NEVER gets old and would probably make me love a person for life:
“Melissa, you were right.”
Oooh…this is a good topic for an entry. There are so many things that I hate that people say and do.
1. “Come again?” I hate when people miss what you say and then use this as a way of getting you to repeat yourself. First of all, it makes me want to say “That’s what she said,” and secondly, I just have always hated this phrase. It makes no sense. I wasn’t coming, I was talking. Maybe “Say again?” or how about the always classic “Could you please repeat that?”
2. “I’m so awkward sometimes.” This one is almost exactly the same as the “I’m so random” one. It’s usually said by unfunny people as a way to excuse themselves for killing an otherwise pleasant conversation with a useless comment.
3. “The boy.” I hate when girls refer to the person they are dating, seeing, randomly hooking up with as “the boy.” Is he really THE boy? Does he require a definite article? What about just “my boyfriend”, “the guy I’m seeing/dating/screwing”, or, better still, his name? I think I mostly hate this though because it’s used by girls who only talk about “the boy” when it involves detailing the latest “drama” with “the boy.” Shoot me in the face but don’t make me listen to how he didn’t respond to your text and there was all sorts of “crazy drama.”
Okay, I’ve quit my crazy ranting for the day.
Sometimes I say “the boy” — usually it’s to devalue his place in my life though; do mean motives get me off the hook?
yes. there are, obviously, exceptions to ever rule, and mean motives are usually at the heart of every exception.